Yesterday, we had beautiful weather. That first “nip” of true fall was in the air. I think it might have made it to about 72 degrees for a high and it was kind of overcast, but to me, it was perfect.
I was able to get out and take a walk… always a ‘should have’ and frequently a ‘didn’t’ when toting up the numbers at week’s end. It was so refreshing and energizing and just plain wonderful.
When I walk, I listen to music and let my mind drift to whatever thoughts it wants to have. I’ve found it is a good way to work things out without straining over the issue at hand. Something about the physical activity, the background music, and the flow of it all helps me process and purge things more easily than I could sitting on the couch mulling them all over.
I love the metaphor of the walk – I am simultaneously walking away from and leaving behind that which I no longer care to think about, deal with, carry on my shoulders and walking toward and into the life I want, the dreams I’m dreaming, and the who I really am inside.
So as my random thoughts and emotions churned away yesterday, I was struck by an insight that gave me pause. It’s really kind of a conundrum. For all my moaning and whining about what I should do and don’t, for all the things I want to do, but don’t; despite all of my perceived and imagined flaws and my various insecurities, I have never been more comfortable in my own skin than I am right now.
It seems like I shouldn’t be able to reach that stage of comfort and acceptance of myself until I’ve said goodbye to the idea that I’m flawed (’cause I’m perfect, thank you very much!) and sent those insecurities packing. Because how can these two disparate versions of myself co-exist?
I’ve thought a lot about it since yesterday and I don’t have an answer. Other than that we are complex, multi-faceted individuals all struggling to find our way in this world and figure it all out. I think the “real” me is the one who has the off-the-charts confidence to carry a coffee mug that states “It’s hard being this fabulous” and not see any irony in that and the “not really” me is the one with the sack of negativity weighing so heavily on my back and my psyche.
Maybe this is the first step to putting things in perspective. If there are things I want to change about myself, I will do it because I want to, not because I feel obligated to live up to an imagined ideal or standard that I don’t subscribe, too. It’s not a flaw, it’s a circumstance. I can work on changing the circumstance or I can decide I can live within it.
That’s a powerful and freeing thought.